Ugh. So, my daughter had to get tubes put in her ears. She survived, she's a happy, healthy, energetic two year old. The surgery killed me, It was really the longest 10 minutes of my life. I don't care if people think I'm overreacting, it was horrible for me. (That being said, I have absolutely, 100% decided NOT to circumcise my son. Nope, not happening.. Never. Ever. Ugh.) Anywho, probably the worst part, was when she woke up from her little anesthesia induced slumber.. Like, really, I wish that someone would have prepared me for that shit. The nurses called my ex husband and I back, so that the dr could talk to us, the douchebag spent all of 3 minutes telling me about the surgery, etc. Then told us to wait in the little conference room till the nurses came to get us. Which was torture all on its own, considering I'd spent an entire (and totally awkward) 45 minutes in a room with him and our daughter while waiting on them to take her back.. Anywho. Finally they came back and got us to have us come sit with her while she came too.. I started walking down this mile long hallway, and I heard it.. The scariest thing for any mother to hear. Her baby's high pitched, blood curdling, terrifying scream. I started walking even faster. I knew that no one was with my daughter, and even if they were, they couldn't comfort her like I could. Finally, after tracking down her cry and going into the room, I saw her. My poor baby laying there, limp with her eyes closed, screaming and crying.. I went over to the bed, and the nurse tried to tell me to hang on 'till she moved the rail so I could get my baby. I wasn't waiting though. I got my angel, and almost dropped her back onto the bed, because the nurse failed to tell me that she'd still be limp. I regained my grip on her, and pulled her as close to me as I could. I kept trying to tell her, between her screams, that her mommy was here, and she didn't have to cry anymore. But she continued to scream and throw herself back. Then the nurse came in and sat down to ask me to sign papers and listen to aftercare instructions. Now, of course, I had to give my daughter to her father to be able to sign papers.. And they told us we could leave as soon as she opened her eyes.. And about that time, she did. The nurse asked her if she was ready to go home, and she said "Yes!!" which broke my heart. The whole time her dad had her, she was crying for her mommy, but I didn't know how to get her from him, without being a straight up bitch to him. So I tried to let him comfort her the best he could.. After we got done talking to the nurse and started getting everything ready to go, a nurse who was wheeling another baby in a bed, past us, gave my daughter the most horrible look... I looked her dead in the eyes and said "What the f*ck, is your problem" Seriously, if she's been working at that place and never seen a baby cry, then she must be doing a good job screwing those doctors to keep that job of hers. Finally we left the recovery area, in through the waiting room, and out to our cars. My boyfriend sat patiently while my ex husband tried to comfort our daughter, but nothing was helping. Finally, I'd seen enough and I went to get my baby girl. I held her close to me and guided her head down to my shoulder. Finally she fell asleep on my shoulder for a couple minutes, then my ex decided to tell her he was going to put her in her carseat. Which upset her that much more. So, I told him that she wasn't going into the carseat until she was happy again, or at least not screaming bloody murder. He kept pushing for me to put her in the carseat, and the bickering went on and on. Finally, I sat in my car with her, and told him and his stepdad goodbye. Eventually they took the hint, and left. I took my little girl to the toy store to get a toy, and on the way there, the only way I could keep her calm was to rub her face and sing "You are my sunshine" repeatedly. Which was okay with me.. Anything to make her feel better. We took her into a store, got her some toys, a new sippy cup, minnie mouse bowl, and a couple other things, spent 10 dollars on a bag of candy, and went on our way. We stopped to get her some chicken from Zaxbys and headed home. She cried and whimpered the whole way home, and all the while, I kept trying to find ways to forgive myself. I felt, and still feel like I've scarred her for life, or taken away her innocence. I, her mother, the woman who is supposed to protect her from everything, sent her with two strangers who blatantly lied to her about getting a balloon and pop-sicle, then took her into a room, that in my head, is cold, dimmly lit, and scary looking, while they gave her a mask of gas, and put her to sleep then went to cutting her.. I feel like she should hate me. I've apologized to her so many times, and I can't forgive myself, and I don't feel like she should forgive me either. I'm sorry if anyone feels like I shouldn't be so upset about this, it's a simple procedure, had to be done, everyone else is fine, blah blah blah, I appreciate your concern and kind words, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a terrible person and mother.
That being said, I'm going to go to bed and cuddle with her. And try to not think about this experience. :/
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