Boobies!

So, I've been breastfeeding Phoenix for 2 months now... During these two months, I've noticed just how ignorant and insensitive people can be, when it comes to breastfeeding. It's like, we don't have rights.. You can feed your baby a bottle, but I can't feed mine from my breast.. Here are some questions that I've heard people ask other BF Momma's, followed by my answers (:

1. Can't you time your outings around the feedings?
          No, because babies get hungry when their bodies tell them to... Not when the clock says so. This varies from every 30 minutes, to every 4 hours...

2. Why don't you just pump and put it in a bottle?
          Well, I could, but honestly, my son eats so much, so often, that by the time I'm able to pump, I can't get enough for a bottle for him.. And it's really not worth the time.

3. How about feeding before you leave? 
          I actually do almost always feed him before leaving. But, as previously stated, I can't control his hunger.

4. Haven't you ever heard of formula?
          Mechanically made formula? The same stuff that gets recalled at least once a year due to being contaminated with poisons? The stuff loaded with starches, and sugars? The stuff with only a fraction of the vitamins and nutrients that my breast milk has? That formula? Yea, I've heard of it.. So?

5. You're just doing it to get a rise out of people, being an attention whore.
          Why yes, that's exactly what I want. People staring at me, making rude faces, and saying mean things about me.. How'd you guess?
          Actually, what I want is to give my baby the absolute best nutrition available. To give him something that is made specifically for him, and his nutritional needs.

6. Why not just cover up?
           Because my son does this crazy thing if he can't see me when he eats... He'll headbutt my boob until I look at him. Besides that, it becomes wayy more obvious that I'm nursing if I have a huge blanket over my shoulder. And it's really hot, uncomfortable, and super annoying.

7. Well, then go to the bathroom.
          You can't be serious with this one... I don't even like going into a public bathroom to pee, I'm certainly not going to feed my child in one.

8. It's trashy. 
          No offense to formula feeding Mommas, but I honestly think that giving a baby a bottle looks trashier than giving them a bob. Idk why, but it really just does. Now, I'm not saying that it IS trashy to do it, it just looks that way.

9. I don't like breast feeding, because it's too sexual.
          No, it's not sexual at all. As a friend of mine said one time, when your boyfriend/girlfriend sucks on your neck, it feels good, but if you put a vacuum to your neck, it does not... Same thing goes with breast feeding.. Also, I personally believe hat in order to see something as 'sexual' you have to be thinking about sex. OBGYN's don't get turned on by their patients, because they're thinking about work, not sex. So, if I, or anyone else considers breastfeeding 'too sexual' then they're most likely thinking sexual about their kids, and are in need of some SERIOUS help.

And in regards to mine, and everyone else's breastfeeding pictures. NO, you are not seeing pictures of our boobs. You are seeing pictures of us feeding our children THE RIGHT WAY. The way they were born to be fed. The way they are supposed to be fed. And you'll see me, doing my job as a mother, and nourishing my child to the best of my ability.. (:

Worst Day Ever.

Ugh. So, my daughter had to get tubes put in her ears. She survived, she's a happy, healthy, energetic two year old. The surgery killed me, It was really the longest 10 minutes of my life. I don't care if people think I'm overreacting, it was horrible for me. (That being said, I have absolutely, 100% decided NOT to circumcise my son. Nope, not happening.. Never. Ever. Ugh.) Anywho, probably the worst part, was when she woke up from her little anesthesia induced slumber.. Like, really, I wish that someone would have prepared me for that shit. The nurses called my ex husband and I back, so that the dr could talk to us, the douchebag spent all of 3 minutes telling me about the surgery, etc. Then told us to wait in the little conference room till the nurses came to get us. Which was torture all on its own, considering I'd spent an entire (and totally awkward) 45 minutes in a room with him and our daughter while waiting on them to take her back.. Anywho. Finally they came back and got us to have us come sit with her while she came too.. I started walking down this mile long hallway, and I heard it.. The scariest thing for any mother to hear. Her baby's high pitched, blood curdling, terrifying scream. I started walking even faster. I knew that no one was with my daughter, and even if they were, they couldn't comfort her like I could. Finally, after tracking down her cry and going into the room, I saw her. My poor baby laying there, limp with her eyes closed, screaming and crying.. I went over to the bed, and the nurse tried to tell me to hang on 'till she moved the rail so I could get my baby. I wasn't waiting though. I got my angel, and almost dropped her back onto the bed, because the nurse failed to tell me that she'd still be limp. I regained my grip on her, and pulled her as close to me as I could. I kept trying to tell her, between her screams, that her mommy was here, and she didn't have to cry anymore. But she continued to scream and throw herself back. Then the nurse came in and sat down to ask me to sign papers and listen to aftercare instructions. Now, of course, I had to give my daughter to her father to be able to sign papers.. And they told us we could leave as soon as she opened her eyes.. And about that time, she did. The nurse asked her if she was ready to go home, and she said "Yes!!" which broke my heart. The whole time her dad had her, she was crying for her mommy, but I didn't know how to get her from him, without being a straight up bitch to him. So I tried to let him comfort her the best he could.. After we got done talking to the nurse and started getting everything ready to go, a nurse who was wheeling another baby in a bed, past us, gave my daughter the most horrible look... I looked her dead in the eyes and said "What the f*ck, is your problem" Seriously, if she's been working at that place and never seen a baby cry, then she must be doing a good job screwing those doctors to keep that job of hers. Finally we left the recovery area, in through the waiting room, and out to our cars. My boyfriend sat patiently while my ex husband tried to comfort our daughter, but nothing was helping. Finally, I'd seen enough and I went to get my baby girl. I held her close to me and guided her head down to my shoulder. Finally she fell asleep on my shoulder for a couple minutes, then my ex decided to tell her he was going to put her in her carseat. Which upset her that much more. So, I told him that she wasn't going into the carseat until she was happy again, or at least not screaming bloody murder. He kept pushing for me to put her in the carseat, and the bickering went on and on. Finally, I sat in my car with her, and told him and his stepdad goodbye. Eventually they took the hint, and left. I took my little girl to the toy store to get a toy, and on the way there, the only way I could keep her calm was to rub her face and sing "You are my sunshine" repeatedly. Which was okay with me.. Anything to make her feel better. We took her into a store, got her some toys, a new sippy cup, minnie mouse bowl, and a couple other things, spent 10 dollars on a bag of candy, and went on our way. We stopped to get her some chicken from Zaxbys and headed home. She cried and whimpered the whole way home, and all the while, I kept trying to find ways to forgive myself. I felt, and still feel like I've scarred her for life, or taken away her innocence. I, her mother, the woman who is supposed to protect her from everything, sent her with two strangers who blatantly lied to her about getting a balloon and pop-sicle, then took her into a room, that in my head, is cold, dimmly lit, and scary looking, while they gave her a mask of gas, and put her to sleep then went to cutting her.. I feel like she should hate me. I've apologized to her so many times, and I can't forgive myself, and I don't feel like she should forgive me either. I'm sorry if anyone feels like I shouldn't be so upset about this, it's a simple procedure, had to be done, everyone else is fine, blah blah blah, I appreciate your concern and kind words, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a terrible person and mother.
That being said, I'm going to go to bed and cuddle with her. And try to not think about this experience. :/

Grey's Anatomy...

Yea, I've watched wayyy too much of that show. My daughter has to have tubes put in on Thursday Morning. I'm totally freaking out about it too. Like, seriously, I know that it's a normal procedure, common, and easy, but it doesn't matter. It's never been performed on my daughter. And that's why I'm scared. I know that this surgery is going to help her, but still, I'm scared. I almost feel like I am abandoning her. Because she's going to have some complete stranger take her away from me, and take her back, put her to sleep, and operate on her. I can't stand to think about it. I'm supposed to be the one person who comforts her and makes her feel better, but I'm not going to be able to be there while she's being prepped and put under, she's going to be so scared, and she's going to want and need her mommy.. And where will I be?? I'll be sitting in the waiting room with my boyfriend, ex husband, and his girlfriend or wife or whatever she is. I'm probably going to cry, especially considering I'm so darn hormonal right now. The reference to Grey's actually comes from the fact that every time that someone is supposed to go through a simple procedure.. They don't come out alive.. -.- Gonna try to go to bed on that note : /

I need a doctor...

I'm about to lose my mind...
So, it's almost 2 a.m. and I can't sleep. Which sucks, because my daughter will be up in, probably 5 hours, lol. But I've just got so much on my mind, that I can't sleep till I vent. My daughters father and I separated when she was a couple weeks old, moved back in with each other, (stayed separated though) I just didn't have anywhere to go.. Anyway, about a year and 2 months ago, (she was probably 8 months old at the time) my daughter and I moved out and moved back in with my parents till I could get on my feet and find a house. For the longest time, he would come and spend time with Lorelai on Wednesday and Thursday which were his days off and the days that I would let him come see her. Then I started letting him take her places, then when she was around 1 year old, I started letting him keep her from Wednesday afternoon till Friday afternoon. We eventually filed for divorce and finalized it. All during this time, he continued to come get her every single week and would pay me child support every month... About 3 months ago, he started dating a new girl, and the visits went from being two nights a week, to one night a week, then 2 nights one week, none the next and 2 the next. The first time he didn't come get her on his days, was also the week that his Child Support was due, go figure. Then he came and got her the following Monday, kept her till Wednesday, and told me that he would have the child support in the bank (we still share an account) on the next day. I called about the child support, and he told me to go take out half of it, and he'd give me the other half (for july, mind you) the following week, and then on the 3rd week in August, he'd give me the full payment for August, to catch himself up.. So I went along with it, got out the money and got things for her that we needed :)) (I have a boyfriend who works and buys most of the things she needs, but the child support really does help out...) Anyway, he didn't come get her the following week, and then the third week, which is this week, and the week he should have gotten her in his new "pattern" that he started, he calls me at 11 this morning, and tells me to have her ready at 9 p.m. so he can pick her up. My mom wanted to take my sister and I out for dinner tonight, so I got her ready and we went.. Then she surprised us by taking us shopping for new clothes (which I needed desperately). I didn't give it a second thought, because I've thought about it all day, and I pretty much knew that he wouldn't come get her anyway. So, I get home at 9:05 and he'd already called, almost an hour before hand. I called him back once, and then called back a second time and his girlfriend answered and told me that he had a migraine and couldn't come get her. Apparently she forgets, I dated him and was married to him for many years, and I know when he's lying about being sick, and the first sign is always him making someone else answer his phone calls. I know a liar when I talk to one, no matter how good of a liar you are, I always know.. To me, it's funny that the visitation slowed down whenever he got with this new girl. I'm not really upset about it, because I hate sharing her anyway, but if the roles were reversed, I would be heartbroken if my dad didn't come visit me every chance he got. There have also been instances, when he would come get her, and his "stepdaughter" would say "We just got back from Mr. Gatti's" Like, what the fuck, this child is 2 years old, she loves going to Gatti's you knew you were coming to get her why the fuck couldn't you wait to go eat and take her with you. I'm so thankful that she doesn't understand things just yet, but she's getting so much smarter and he wont be able to get away with it for very long. It literally sickens me. I know for a fact that if I only got a couple days a week with my child that I would definitely be there to get her the minute I was allowed and wouldn't bring her back till I absolutely had to. It's also been his girlfriend coming to get her a couple times and dropping her off a couple times as well (by herself, mind you) I always, ALWAYS make sure that I'm there to greet my daughter when he brings her back, and I'm also always there to tell her goodbye whenever he comes to get her. I just really don't know what to do about it, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it because my parents think I'm an idiot for getting mad about it, and my sister and her husband think that he hung the moon or something... My friends are usually to busy to care, and my boyfriend listens, and he understands because he's the son of a divorced couple, but I just need more people to vent to every now and then.. :/ Ah well. Gotta go to bed now, that I've had the opportunity to get this off my chest... So, for now..
Xoxo,
Amber Nicole

Intro..

Obviously, I'm Amber Nicole.. :) I'm 21 years old, and I live in Kentucky. I've lived here my whole life, and I like it. It's a small town, with nothing to do, but it's a quiet town, and you hafta love that :) I have a daughter named Lorelai, who will be turning 2 this month. Her father and I are divorced, and we've pretty much been separated since she was a newborn.. I'm currently pregnant, with a baby boy, who we're naming Embrii Khaide. He should be arriving around December of this year, and my boyfriend and I couldn't be more excited.

Some random info about myself:
1. I'm a mom. The person that I was ceased to be, when I gave birth to my daughter. I don't go places without her, and I also don't take her to places where there are indoor pets. Mainly because I hate animals, and don't trust them. If an animal hurts my child, I don't believe in the bullshit excuse that the child shouldn't have provoked the dog. The child, is just that.. A CHILD. If an animal attacks my kid, that animal is going straight to meet his/her maker. I also wont take my kid somewhere that is nasty, somewhere that people smoke indoors, or somewhere where there are a lot of breakable things. If you fit into any of these categories, and I don't hang out with you often, stop bitching, because now you know why..
2. I hate, absolutely HATE discussing religion or politics. Apparently everyone is determined to believe how they want to believe, and that's fine by me. But I don't want to hear about it. Arguments or agreements about politics or religion should just be kept to oneself. I believe in God, and I don't know enough about politics, nor do I care to know, to have a "political party".
3. I'm the worst person in the world, when it comes to biting my tongue. Like, seriously, people tell me all the time to "be nice to someone to limit drama" There's no drama. There's me, speaking my mind, and them speaking theirs back. I don't post crap on Facebook, and I know how to keep things to myself. I don't deal with drama, but I don't deal with bullsh*t either..
4. I'm a natural type of parent. I regret decisions that I made with Lorelai, like not researching vaccinations, etc. But, as Maya Angelou said "I did then, what I knew how to do. And when I knew better, I did better..." I pick and choose which vaccines I want my children to have. I don't let them have artificial sugars. They only get whole milk, I plan to cloth diaper Embrii when he gets here, and I wish I'd done so with Lorelai. I'm going to make my own babyfood with Embrii, and again, wish I'd done it with Lorelai. I breast feed, co sleep, I don't want my son(s) circumcised, I like to wear my babies. (Sasha Wrap is definitely on my wish list!! Lol) I do not spank my child, I use Time out as an effective form of punishment. I don't like for her to have a lot of junk food, and if I can help it, I don't feed her processed/frozen foods. I prefer to cook every meal, home cooked, and I do that as much as possible :))

I suppose that's enough of an intro, and if at least one thing on this list of stuff, didn't make you think "good lord, she's crazy" Then we could be friends :))

Amber Nicole

My reason for not giving my children regular cows milk:
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_folden_palmer.html

My reason for choosing to not circumcise my son(s):
http://www.mothersagainstcirc.org/
http://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2011/08/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html